We started counseling a couple of weeks ago. I am not sure how I feel about it at all. I think that it may be a waste of time. One of the only reasons that I decided to go through this process is to make sure that I have exhausted every avenue possible to reconcile. I like to say that I have done all that I could do. Honestly, I feel that it really is up to him to resolve all of the issues that he has with being a step father and a husband. The more I sit in counseling, I feel that it is more about being a step father than anything else. If that is the case then I want him to leave. My children and I are a package deal. I have raised them to be respectful young men. They may be a bit spoiled but overall awesome kids. I am proud to be their mother and no one can change that. If my husband does not feel that he fits into that picture then I am sorry. Children don’t ask to be here and they are my responsibility. Don’t mistake my firmness on this subject as I won’t listen. I understand that I can not teach my boys to be something that I have never been, a man. I can lead and direct them as best as I can. Whenever my husband made a suggestion regarding the boys, I would take his advice into consideration. I am not one of those parents that sees my children through rose color glasses. I guess I said all of this to say my children should not be a factor in this situation. He knew that I had kids before we got married and should have considered what responsibility that would include. Either way I will press forward.
It is funny in life what people value. Some people value money, religion, family, cars, and relationships. Other people value themselves. In some cases its ok to value yourself but if it goes to far, it can handicap your growth as a person. As I have been searching for answers within myself, I realize that I value people and relationships more than they value me. It is so important to know your own self worth. The longer I live the more I realize what my self worth looks and feels like. I have decided that as I press forward and value myself a little more, I will put much thought into my actions. I will value those that value me. I will feed those that feed me. My grandmother used to say “i ain’t fattening no more frogs to feed no snakes”! Well said Susie…well said.
The last few days have been informing. We started celebrating a friend’s birthday. I received a lot of view points about marriage from couples that were out with us. They did not even know that I was learning from them. I watched as we went from place to place, how each husband was there and supportive. I am sure they all did not want to be there but they seemed to be having fun and enjoying the scene. I also learned that they are better together than a part, which is the point of getting married in the first place. What I found interesting is that as I looked all around me, I felt fine. I was not upset because of my situation or jealous of the couples. Instead I was hopeful for may be in store for me. As some one told me this weekend, you won’t have to suffer long. Press forward.
I am trying not to allow this situation to change me and change what I have always believed in. Its hard to remain yourself when you are hurt. it is hard not to allow one situation to change my mind set going forward. A friend asked me today how would I continue to move forward if we stayed together. I was honest I said I don’t because there is so much work that needs to be done. How do you rebuild from here. Is it hopeless. My faith teaches me that noting is hopeless with God. So maybe I will hold on to that. Right now I don’t have much hope. I am just taking it day by day. I think that is a good first step. I have made it a couple of days without crying so I think that I am on the right path for now.
I want to be hold for myself and that is my goal right now. I am pressing forward no matter what. Maybe I am starting to get my mojo back…lol
At this time I am accepting that I must press delete on a relationship that I thought was forever. As I press forward, I am trying to remember how to regain myself. It is hard to bounce back at times but I will speak in the affirmative. I will remain positive. I will continue to fight the good fight and try to keep my head on straight. My emotions are high some days and low on other days. I guess I just want to have my normal life back.
I have always been someone who believed in marriage. I feel that we two people work together at the same time for a common goal, they can accomplish anything. When is it time to give up the fight? When do you walk away and never look back? Relationships can be very difficult but not impossible. People first be honest with yourself about your true feelings. To thine own self be true. Ask your self the hard questions about the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with. Make sure that you can wake up and be ok with every decision that you make. I honestly feel that there comes a point in life where you should know who you are and what you want out of life.
If you are the type of person that lives in the space of never knowing what you want out of life, fast forward 20 years. Look around. What and who do you see around you? What and who do you want around you? Consider what that space will look like. For myself, I see my children and grandchildren. I see the love of my life. I see close family and friends. I see the spirit of GOD covering us all. I feel happiness and joy. I feel peace, love and healthiness. What more could anyone ask for?
I still don’t know any longer if it is worth the fight. I will ask myself the hard questions as I press forward!
Its about time that I wake up and smell the coffee. As much as I would like my marriage to work, I know that its at the end. The hardest part for me is that I really thought we were doing well. I thought that we were happy. I guess you can live with someone and not really know them. So I have accepted that I must move on. It hurts like hell but I am strong. I know that I will survive. As i begin the wake up process, I start remembering me. I remember that I am worthy. I remember that I deserve to have someone that loves me just for me. I deserve better. I deserve to live, laugh, love.
It is my hope that I will rise out of this and be better because of it.