I am about to celebrate my 5 year anniversary with my Husband. Who ever would have thought that we would still be together after that bump in the road 3 years ago. I am not suggesting that it has been easy, however I have had a great time learning, living and enjoying life with him. I have grown so much in the last three years and that growth has confirmed my ability to change and evolve (in a good way). Press Forward is a constant movement in my life.
I have not posted in a long while. I really can’t say that I know why. I have just as many feelings today as I did the day my husband said he was unsure if he wanted to be married any longer. Sure he has come back and said he would like to try. The problem is I am not sure if I want to try any longer. I am not sure if I want to try and figure this all out. I realized today that I have not forgiven him at all. I am still mad as hell at him. I know that I must forgive but I don’t know where to begin. For some reason I think he does not deserve it. I don’t even think that he really loves me. He says he does but when I think about it. I think that he loves me because he thinks it is the right thing to do. He loves me because I am a good person and because I am good to him, not because he can’t imagine his life without me. I want to be loved like that! This is no easier today than it was months ago. I have been getting up everyday living a total lie….its bad when you lie to yourself. I have been telling myself that this will work but I am not convinced….I guess I will press forward toward answers. i just don’t know where to begin.
This past saturday I went out to dinner with my husband. It was the first time in a while that we did not discuss us. It was just dinner. We tried a new place that we really enjoyed. It was like a date. I don’t know where this will take us but I am secretly hoping that we can pull our lives together. I will no longer be devastated if it does not happen. I am just taking it for what it is worth at this point. I am pushing forward and I am proud of myself. I feel good that I am taking control of my life.
It has been some time since I have been able to post anything. For a while I was so depressed that i could not seem to pull myself together. I could not press forward. It was lower than self pity. I am not sure what this place is called but I was there. I had to pull myself out of a hole. Once I was out, I began to reconsider how to be a better me. For the first time in years I am going on a vacation without kids, parents or an extension of work. I am going with the girls and I am looking forward to having the time of my life. So no matter what comes my way. No matter how deeply I am hurt, I am unbroken.
When your life seems like it is turned upside down, it is even more important to give thanks for all the good stuff. Right now I feel like life has dealt me an unfair hand but I know that through it all GOD is good. I still have life, health and strength. My boys are doing good. They are growing into fine young men. My mother is still able to get around and work outside of the home. I have career that I love! Most importantly GOd has allowed me to see another day. I have a lot to be thankful for. I try hard not to concentrate on the bad but yet remember the good. The good makes me want to press forward each and every day. As the Thanksgiving holiday draws to an end, I know that I am thankful for much more than I can ever say.
The last couple of months I have spent so much time talking about the things that are wrong in my life that i wanted to take a few minutes to discuss my achievements. A really good friend asked me to look around and see all the things that are right in my life. Once I thought about it, I had a lot to be thankful for. I have GOD in my life, a loving family, a roof over my head, two loving boys, great friends, an awesome job and the will to succeed. These are just a few things that i have named because I could go on and on and on. All I know is that I have a lot to be grateful for. So even as I face some difficulty in life, I know that all will be well. I will press forward to achieve more, be more and do more.
How do you begin to create happiness for yourself? I have been asking myself that question for the past couple of months. Happiness should never be about other people or things. It is doing the thing that fulfills you the most. So i began to ask myself when am I at my best. When am I the happiest person on the planet. I know that I am happy when i am helping others. I also am at my best when those around me are happy. Im not sure what that means for me just yet but at least I am really thinking about it. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my life. I am not sure where I am going but I know that I want to be doing something different.